Harry Potter & The Quagzars
by Black-Ribbon
Summary: Its nothing to do with HarryRon pairing. but it could be in the future i dont know, because iw rite a chapter then NicoleFelton writes a chapter so i dunno what she may do. There may be other pairings we're making it up as we go along...ENJOY!
1. Chocolate Milkshake

Rah rah siss boom BA! Ello and welcome to my new fic, well our new fic. No I'm not schizophrenic This is a join fic about random crap between myself and NicoleFelton. Prepare yourselves because its really strange, but when you picture the actors doing what we write its firkin hilarious!

Disclaimer notice: I own Fred & George Weasley, they're in the cupboard under my sink, Sirius black who's crying in my bedroom, Harry Potter who's being an annoying little git in my living room and he keeps drinking all the CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE!

Nicole owns Luna Lovegood (don't ask) Lucius Malfoy, Draco, Professor Snape and we share joint custody of Tom marvolo Riddle, as well as Lea!!!

Apart from that we own nothing.

SO TALLY HO

**

* * *

****Harry Potter, & the Quagzar**

The sun rose pathetically into the pathetic blue coloured sky. Harry sat on the sofa of the pathetic Gryffindor common room, drinking chocolate milkshake. Everyone else was still asleep.

Suddenly he made a large twitching movement, but swiftly settled back into his calm position. Just so you know Harry has a weird physical function that causes him to randomly twitch and spasm. We think it might be the steroids…

He pouted pathetically when he realised. He'd finished his chocolate milkshake. Still pouting he looked around, and noticed a glass of chocolate milkshake next to Hermione's books, pathetically..

Mmmmm precious chocolate milkshake… 

"No I can't have that, that's Hermione's milkshake"

Silence you fool! Take it, ITS YOURS! 

Harry jumped like a little bunny over to the table and picked up the milkshake. His eyes bulging manically.

"I'm going to drink you little shakey, I'm going to drink you little shakey!"

"DIE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hermione came flying out of the Girls dormitories onto Harry's back, pinning him to the floor.

"DON'T TOUCH MY MILKSHAKE!"

She screamed snatching it up and glaring fiercely, before straightening up and walking back up the stairs to bed.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

Harry screamed after her, his eye twitching violently.

* * *

SCENE CHANGE Harry is now walking down the corridor to Hospital wing. Where Ron is after Snape beat him savagely with a cold haddock.

* * *

"SO hey you with the ginger hair how are you with the lack of dying and the death and the needles in the eyes for the recovery of fun!"

Harry smiled as he jumped onto the end of Ron's bed pathetically, eyes wide and grinning happily, rocking back and forth

"I'm ok, there's still a big rash from where Professor Snape put the fish up my-"

"Chocolate Milkshake!"

"Yeah where he put the fish up my chocolate- what!?!?!"

Ron suddenly realised that he'd been drinking chocolate milkshake that morning. And had left the glass half full, or as some pricks would say half empty on his bedside table. Harry was fixated on it, his tongue rolling out of his mouth, pathetically down to the floor as he slowly crawled across Ron's bed to get the drink of chocolaty goodness…

"Madam Pomfrey, help me!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ron squealed like a ten-year-old girl pathetically, and Madam Pomfrey came rushing in dressed as a raccoon, pathetically.. She screamed dramatically and threw a dustbin over Harry's head, pathetically, causing him to run around in tiny little circles in front of Ronny-kins' bed before crashing into the wall, pathetically.

Ron and Madam Pomfrey became silent…pathetically. Harry tipped the dustbin off his head, pathetically, and emerged, with a banana skin perched like a little hat on his head.

"I CANT WORK LIKE THIS ANYMORE IM THE BOY WHO LIVED AND IIIIIIIIII HAVE MY OWN FRIKKIN BOOK SERIES WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE BEST SELLING CHILDRENS BOOK OF ALL TIME! IM A MILLIONAIRE I HAVE A BIG HOUSE TWO CATS AND A DOG AND I CAN PERFORM MAGIC AAAAAAAAAANNND I CAN SAY VOLDEMORT WITH TWITCHING OR FLINCHING LIKE SOME PATHETIC PRICK!!! I QUIT!"

He screamed, pathetically and ran out of the doors, Alfonso Quaron chasing him pathetically, screaming after him.

"Harry come back, I'm sorry I said those mean things last night!"

Ron and Madame Pomfrey stared after them, pathetically wondering what to do next. Then all of a sudden they saw Sirius running down the corridor after Alfonso.

"HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY LITTLE NAÏVE GOD CHILD! ONLY IM ALLOWED TO DO THAT!"

And stealing one of the maces from one of the set of armour he pelted full speed after Al, cursing in some weird azkabanish language.

Then perfectly randomly Snape burst into the ward wearing a coconut bra, a grass skirt and holding a pair of maracas.

"Don't be sad its carnival!"

He screamed and started doing the cha cha in the middle of the room. Madam Pomfrey/ Madam Raccoon joined him, as well as the rest of the Harry Potter cast, apart from Alfonso Quaron, Sirius Black and Harry Potter himself, who had climbed up on top of Hagrids head. Alfonso had been trying to get him down but then Sirius maced him to death and they ate him in a lovely birthday cake for Dean Thomas. And I can say that in complete confidence because JK Rowling never said when Dean's birthday was, so I say ITS TODAY. Also Bagel (my alter ego) and Zanthee, Nicole's alter ego where there, trying to steal Snapes coconuts.

This is a perfectly normal day. You haven't seen a weird day yet.

* * *

Now I shall hand it over to Nicole…. TALLY HO YOUNG SQUIRE 


	2. Bagle & Zanthee

Yes yes it is Nicole Almighty here!!! Mwahahahahaha mental slap 

**Anyway. Just 2 clear something up**

**I own Luna because. Luna is my nickname as most of my mates agree that Luna and me are practically identical. We are both crazy blond girls who believe in the most absurd things (Elves, Hobbits etc. not the Tooth Fairy or Santa!) so anyway. Luna is one of my fave characters so therefore I own her!**

**Here we go**

Hermione was curled up in bed, she tried to sleep but couldn't as the high voltage electrocution laser system protecting her chocolate milkshake from Harry, kept buzzing. So she decided to go for a walk.

She poked her head out the window and guessed it was about –5 degrees centigrade out (v. cold) so she walked over to her chest of draws and put on a mini skirt and a strapless corset.

She was walking past transfiguration class when she heard some shouting. She opened the door and saw Zanthee the slytherin and Bagel, her fellow Gryffindor apparently having a shouting math. She settled her self down on a back table to watch.

"Oh, I'm a whore now am I?"

"Yes, Zanthee you are"

"Stop sticking up for your precious Gerald"

"It Gerard actually" the Gerard piped in

"Whatever. I know about your night time romps in the broom shed-"

Bagel gulped

"-And I'm going to tell Draco"

"IM HERE BABY"

"WHAT THE FUCK" Zanthee screamed before falling over a quivering Bagel

In the door way stood a very tall, very handsome Draco Malfoy

"I heard you calling and I'm here now"

"Oh" Zanthee stood up "Holy fuck you have good hearing. Are you a bat or something??"

"No, but I put a tracking system on you and whenever you say my name I am immediately summoned to you"

"Well Ok then… shall we go and leave these" she glanced at Gerald- sorry Gerard and Bagel "Things… to carry on shagging each other"

She reached for the handle but was flung back with incredible force when… SEVERUS SNAPE barged his way in

"LEAVE THE GIRL AND I WONT HARM YOU" he yelled

"What the-" Draco's jaw dropped at the sight of Snape in pink leopard print spandex

" My Zanthee tracker was flashing indicating she was in trouble or scared"

"I was shocked, Sevvy. When Draco here came into the room"

"Ummm… Sevvy?" Draco said

"Oh Yeah she's been calling me that since the birth of Aubrianna"

"Who?" asked Bagel?

"Aubrianna is our daughter" said Severus

"Your daughter? I think not," stated Draco "its my daughter, and she isn't called Aubrianna either she's called Vienna"

"What? Zanthee what's going on? Zanthee? Zanthee?" said Severus

They all looked around and realised that Zanthee had done a runner

"Oh great!" exclaimed Draco "now I know that my Fiancée has had a baby with my professor. Just great"

"I knew there was a drawback to sleeping with pupils in their first year" sighed Severus

"No no cant you get anything right" said Draco a little annoyed "Vienna or Aubrianna or whatever her name is, was born during 4th year. Me and Zanthee only hooked up in 2nd year"

"No, first year"

"Fourth"

"First"

"Fourth"

"Daddy?" Two little girls stood in the doorway. One ages 7 and the other 3

"Aubrianna" said Severus running up to the seven year old

"Vienna" said Draco running towards the three year old

"Looks like we've both had a daughter with Zanthee then" said Draco

"Yeah" agreed Severus

"HOLY SHIT, SHE'S BEEN BUSY," exclaimed Bagel, as she looked at the 8 other children standing in the doorway

"Oh" said Draco, putting Vienna down "this is Cade, born in 2nd year" he pointed at a boy near the back "the twins, Dale and Leo born in 3rd year. The triplets, Wade, Trey and Mack born in 5th year and the other triplets Ned, Grady and Gus. Born last year.

"Holy Fuck" whispered Hermione. Zanthee had got busy. She herself only had one child, Diana, from a one-night stand with Ron during 5th year.

"Jesus" sighed Gerard "so erm…"

"YOU SHUT UP" Draco rounded on Gerard

"Wow!" breathed Hermione "still shocked by the many children of Zanthee Carnelian-Azure

She slipped of the table and went outside. As she was walking around she noticed something moving in the lake.

Strange she though. As she got down there she noticed giant squid doing something with… was that Seamus?

Oh god! She ran all the way back to her dormitory and tucked her self up in bed. Her day had just got weirder and weirder! As she fell asleep she started to dream of Neville… did she fancy him she wasn't sure? Before she could think in depth she fell asleep into a world of fairies and magical creatures

**A/N: ok so there my crazy chapter. I haven't got a clue what possessed me to write about a girl with two many children! But there you go! Anyway it's over to Nicola now so….**

Arrivederci 

**XxXxXxX**


	3. With a rubber duck called Brian

**Hey its me again, sorry we haven't updated for a while, it's my fault, I'm too lazy! I'll just go ahead with the fic and stop boring you now!**

BlackRibbon xxx 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Harry screamed flinging his fist down onto the table, and his pumpkin juice flew out of the vibrating goblet, and coincidentally went straight back in again, forming no mess at all.

"Whats the matter?"

Ron gasped, dramatically, with a mouth full of radishes.

"Fucking Malfoy is getting on my fucking nerves I wish he'd fucking die!"

Harry was now making a compulsive revolting sound like a constipated donkey.

"Calm down Harry, when I get mad about something I think of happy thoughts"

Oliver Wood smiled settling down on the bench next to him.

"Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens…"

Oliver whacked Ron round the head, sending him to the ground, radishes and all.

"Not that you twerp! Like Quidditch, and magic, and drugged up hippies doing the fandango naked in a crowded lagoon"

The Gryffindor table, actually lets be more dramatic, THE WHOLE HALL went silent as they heard Oliver's statement. Professor Dumbledore was the only one not looking at him…he was imagining Snape doing the fandango naked in a crowded lagoon…Oliver went a bright shade of red as he realised everyone had heard him,

(The scene momentarily pauses in a freeze frame, for a tiny addition of Hermione's logic corner.

"The fact that everyone had heard was actually very unpredictable and really impossible. A normal boy with a very soft Scottish accent speaking in a normal calm voice could not possible be heard among the stupid ramblings of idiotic Hogwarts students in the hall. But since this is a fan fiction we can get away with things like that!"

Freeze-frame end.)

"So who wants Muffins!"

He exclaimed loudly picking up a tray from under Neville's corpse a carrying it off through the hall. No one actually got a muffin, or realised that Neville was dead and castrated upon a candlestick on Gryffindor table. But hey, it's Neville. He's meant to go un noticed.

LATER THAT DAY

Oliver was still in hiding, no wonder thinking about those naked hippies, and in case you're wondering, Dumbledore's still thinking about what he was thinking about.

But now our little fic places us in the scene of Gryffindor Common Room, where Seamus is stroking Dean's hair absentmindedly while thinking of his puppy Devon back home, Ron was trying to get all of the radish skin out of his teeth, Hermione was thinking of an appropriate moment to add another short interlude of 'Hermione's Corner' and Harry had calmed down from his rampage, which you can read again if you scroll to the top of the page.

"Who's up for scrabble?"

"I DON'T WANT TO PLAY SCRABBLE YOU F"( SH A""£()!"

Ok, maybe Harry hasn't calmed down. It was at this very moment that Bagel ran through the door throwing radishes in every corner.

"Happy Radish day everyone, had you forgotten! I marked it very clearly on the message board!"

"We know,"

Fred said, dramatically

"You actually painted it onto the message board"

Bagel was at a loss for what to say, so she threw a radish into Fred's mouth before throwing him out of the window, dramatically. George gasped and jumped after him, dramatically. Then the common room went quiet, tee hee bet you thought I was gonna put dramatically! Zanthee was busy in hospital wing having her whatevernumberthedesperateimpregnatedwomanishaving child. Draco and Snape where having a bitch fight over cauldrons in the dungeons, and Gerard was having a kilt fitted at Diagon Alley.

"I WANT SOME SUGAR!"

Harry screamed. He was chained to a bed and all his friends where watching over him.

(Interlude of Hermione's corner:

"Since the author is to tired for her own good, the lousy idiot forget to mention there's a scene change, basically what happened was Harry got hyped up on sugar after biting in the giant candy whomping willow that Dumbledore replaced the old whomping willow with, because basically the candy version is nicer. And now he's on a bloodthirsty mission to obtain sugar. To save him from himself and Professor McGonagall we chained him to his bed in Gryffindor common room. But because this is a fic, the authors can get away with adding stupid interludes to fill in huge gaps of story they couldn't be arsed to write."

Interlude finito)

"WHO LIKES MY SPORRAN!"

Gerard burst through the door in his new kilt; it was made of the finest cotton and designed in the pattern of the Butler clan. Bagel had fainted in a corner and Zanthee was still in labour, because this is as I have stated many a time, a FIC I can keep her in agonising labour as long as I wish. Draco was now impaled upon a spike in Snapes bedroom, and Snape was busy making anti aging potion, which is the solution to why he looks so young. As we always say, Alan Rickman's so diabolically British, its sexy.

"Yes the sporrans lovely, but we're having a slight problem with Harry"

Said Fred, who had miraculously survived the thirty four-story fall mentioned earlier in the chapter.

"Like I care what's happening to Harry, I'm going to go flaunt my Scottish stuff in the Slytherin common room"

And so he did.

Bagel soon came round from her fainting ordeal, and the only things she could say where,

"He's so diabolically Scottish it's sexy"

And

"I miss Gerry"

Now because I can't be bothered to write any more I'll leave you with this:

Gerard is flaunting his stuff in the Slytherin common room

Harry is chained to a bed, screaming for sugar

Ron is still trying to get the radish skin out of his teeth

Fred and George miraculously survived there thirty-four story fall, and are in their joke shop with many a broken rib.

McGonagall is looking for Harry, don't ask why.

Dumbledore's still thinking about you know what.

Snape is taking a bubble bath with a rubber duck named Brian.

Draco and Neville are both dead. Sorry but that's the way it is.

Seamus and Dean are now both on a weekend break in Ireland. Seamus feels so happy he could be a leprechaun…again.

Bagel is still in her sedated state saying, "He's so diabolically Scottish it's sexy" and "I miss Gerry"

Zanthee is still in labour. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


End file.
